These rules will apply on redneck mountain as well....

OK. This is it. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I

can't stand no more.  Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is

effeminate men prancing about,  Redecorating houses and talking about

foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual,

bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and

purple-sexual...

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your arse, burp, and yell

"ENOUGH!"

I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars:

The Retrosexual Movement.

The Code:

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual DEALS WITH IT;  be it a flat tyre, break-in into your home,

or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you

live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and

drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women

have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant and

shaving gear - that's it!!

A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look

like he's shat himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If

wearing a hat, wear it correctly - not on the side like a faggot. Blokes

and necklaces (unless you are an Australian fast bowler) are out!

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need

be. This falls under the "DEALING WITH IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on

national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for

women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead

to you  becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run, she

ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental

stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a

freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city,

favourite dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because

Dad didn't pay you enough attention. Dad was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you

screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to

conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and

ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about

getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer

a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be

rightfully ridiculed for the friends you are.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled

with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus

it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or

things that just need a little "wakin' up".

Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none

of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports

teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is

swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry

include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish

do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of

major body part on your Ford ute.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a

pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and

offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men

still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not

understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset

the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a

serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting,

shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking piss with the boys.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.

Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on

his ute--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the

retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL WITH IT, or do both.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but

any elderly person.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does

something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the

process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!